


Where the tips are shitty and the alcohol is weak

by Legs (InsanityRule)



Category: Veep
Genre: restaurant AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-22
Updated: 2015-09-22
Packaged: 2018-04-22 21:56:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,228
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4851899
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InsanityRule/pseuds/Legs
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan and Amy work at the same restaurant in DC and decide to make a competition to see who can get the owner's son, Jonah, to leave without having to kick him out.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Where the tips are shitty and the alcohol is weak

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ladywaffles (JaneEyre)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/JaneEyre/gifts).



"We can't just let him stay, he's bothering the other patrons."  
"Amy it's a bar. Well a restaurant but he's at the bar. If you're so keen on getting him the fuck out of here then go kick him out."  
Amy slams her notepad down on the table in the small break room. "Don't you think I would've done that already if I could? Jesus fuck Dan he's worse than that guy that flooded the men's room last week."  
"Can't argue with that," Dan says as he peeks through the crack in the door. He can just see Jonah, slapping his giant hands against the bar counter and laughing. He's not sure at what, since no one in their right mind is anywhere close to his general vicinity. "Don't expect any good tips tonight if that Neanderthal sticks around."  
"Motherfuck. Great, just great. I already had to borrow money last month because of my stupid fucking car "going to long without an oil change" or some bullshit." Amy's clenching her fists so hard knuckles are turning white. "And now it looks like I'm sneaking leftovers for meals again. If you pay someone to beat the shit out of him I'll pay you back."  
"No you won't, and no, I'm not paying to get the world's largest child beat up." Amy crosses her arms. Dan's pretty sure she's going to have an aneurysm if she tries to hold in a scream any longer. "We're the adults in this Amy. We need to exercise some subtlety."  
"Is an ax subtle enough?"  
"Okay first, you work at a restaurant at least consider poisoning him first. But an ax does sound more satisfying." Dan rubs his chin. He forgot to shave again today, and yesterday, and he's feeling a bit more scruffy than he'd like. At least he works at the bar. No one cares if their beer man is looking a bit unkempt. "But I don't think we're ready to cover up that kind of crime."  
"Jonah's mom would probably pitch a fit." Understatement. Big understatement. "Her precious little were-giraffe could do no wrong."  
"And if we ask him to leave he'll call her," Amy nods. They've seen more than one coworker go because Jonah didn't get his way. "We have to make him leave because he wants to."  
"Bet I could do it faster than you."  
Dan holds out a hand without looking and Amy shakes it. "Deal."  
-  
Dan starts small. He takes over the bar, giving his coworker a much needed smoke break, and starts pouring Jonah watered down versions of his demands. "How's business Jonah?"  
"Fucking killing it!" He's too loud, but getting less articulate so maybe he'll shut his gaping mouth soon. "While you're here fucking up cosmos I'm living it up. Party all night, sleep all day."  
"Right," Dan doesn't point out the part where Jonah seems to be partying alone. He considers sneaking a drink or two. Jonah's slightly better company when they're both drunk off their asses. "Still at that cushy whatever the fuck across town?" He's pretty sure Jonah doesn't do a damn thing managing the other Ryan owned restaurant, but so far nothing's gone under. A tiny part of Dan is jealous of the free time Jonah always seems to have, but that's about it. "Business as usual?"  
"OF course it's good Danny," Jonah takes a big gulp of his drink. And it doesn't work. Jonah's already pretty fucked up; he can't taste the difference, let alone the stupidly high amount of pepper Dan quietly shaked into his whiskey.  
Dan nods to Amy, who is looking stressed as she nods along to a customer (Probably complaining about Jonah's noise level in what is supposed to be a pretty nice restaurant.) and he motions her over. She scurries over and hands Dan a drink order. "You're up."  
"Oh hey Amy," Jonah tries to lean all sensual-like but he nearly falls off the stool. Dan laughs under his breath. "Busy later?"  
"If it's a date I'm not interested Jonah."  
"We can always skip the date and skip right to-"  
"Say, Jonah," Dan physically turns Jonah's face back to him, "why not order some food?"  
"Hm," Jonah sits back, sufficiently derailed for now, "you guys still do those little crunchy bread basket things right?"  
Dan knows what Jonah means, the restaurant has some pretty nice complementary bread with oil when requested, but it also means spitting in his food won't work. "Sure thing buddy, Amy?"  
"I have actual work to do."  
"Right, do your thing," Dan motions to another employee and convinces them that feeding Jonah does not necessarily mean he'll never leave, but he understands the fear.  
When Amy gets back Dan distracts Jonah so she can absolutely drown his next drink in hot sauce. He hands over the drink and Jonah takes one sip before setting the glass back down, grimacing. "Ugh, something's gone bad."  
"It's that time of the season, Jonad," a slip, but Jonah doesn't notice. "Old stock, you know how it goes."  
Jonah gets very serious. "You gotta get on your manager about that shit. This is a fucking classy establishment," not when you're here, Dan thinks, "and if piss poor alcohol brings it down you're fucked Daniel."  
Dan's eye twitches. "Sure."  
It's Dan's turn again. He's already running out of ideas. Honestly he thought Amy would win it for a second, the thrill of competition hasn't really recovered from the initial 'great Amy's going to lord this over me for weeks' feeling settling in his stomach.  
"Jonah," he looks up from his abandoned drink, wide eyed and barely there, "you're good at sex right?"  
"Why you need tips?" He sneers.  
"No no, just wondering if that includes anything adventurous. Maybe a threesome?"  
Amy looks like she's ready to stab both of them with the corkscrew. Dan winks at her; he has an idea.  
"Course." But not really, Jonah's a shitty liar.  
"Well, Amy and I have to close, you know how it goes, but here," he digs out a piece of paper and scribbles something down on it before handing it to Jonah, "go to this address, key is in a fake rock."  
Jonah's looking at both of them, incredulous. Amy snatches the paper, and her eyebrows knit in confusion, then recognition. She hands it back. "Making sure this dumbass didn't write it wrong."  
Dan smiles, all shark teeth and a hard stare. "What do you say Jonah?"  
Jonah, with a big smile on his face, claps Dan on the back and gives Amy a once-over, which makes her scowl but they're so close to getting rid of him. She'll probably spit in his drink the next time he's around. He ambles out the door, crazy drunk noodle limbs banging into the frame, and he's gone.  
A few of the patrons clap. Their tips for the night are better than ever. Balance has been restored.  
"So what the hell address was that anyway?"  
"Oh I don't know, maybe the Smithsonian or something. Should keep him busy, maybe he'll get arrested for B&E."  
"That is the dream." Amy finishes counting her tips and shoves them into her wallet. "I guess you won. We never did decide on a prize."  
"Double or nothing. You know he'll be back."  
"Double of nothing is still nothing dickhead."  
"We'll work out it later."


End file.
